I was planning on leaving xanga. I really shouldn't be worrying about such a stupid thing at my stage. But it does help sometimes. So here I am blogging and puttin down my thoughts.

While I was gone, I left for someplace. Hehe, well kinda. I'm just doing my weird training stuff. But now I've done something way too painful and risky. I don't like where I am.... it's so dark and dirty. I've trapped myself in here of my own free will though. This is the only thing I can think of doing.

You see, it may sound crazy, but I've trapped myself within the darkness of my own heart. I'm fighting for my life in my own mind. I have to face every single fear that I've had since I was a child. When I first thought of this I didn't really think I'd be physically be going anywhere. But now it's become physical.

Late at nite..... my eyes will burn and I'll have to lay in my bed staring straight up. I can't close my eyes cuz it burns too much. And as I keep them open, flashes of all my fears and all the darkness while flash before my eyes in instants.... over and over. What hurts so much, is that I can't even cry. If I were to cry, my eyes would burn even more and the more they burn, the longer my eyes have to keep open. It's really painful cuz as everything happens, I can literally feel a pain in my heart and have my sould be eattin away slowly. Heh.... sometimes it hurts so much, it feels good. I have to over come everything so that I can start over. Lately I'm not doing so good cuz I've only over come 2 things. I still have a lot of fighting to do. I was doin so well before. Really well actually. But things turned around coarse..... sorry Micheal.....

All this is of coarse is affecting me in the morning, even though it's just in the evening. Though, I'm totally normal in the morning and happy, I'm losing weight. Last time I checked, I lose around 5 pounds. I hate lookin at my arms. Also my eyes are getting swollen.

Earth is so dirty.... the darkness has showed me that. Man, I sound like I'm losing it. I don't kno how long I can keep this up or if I'll even make it. I'm at an empty stage right now. I've closed my heart to everyone and no one can help me. I thought the new bg was a good image of how I am now..... I even closed my heart to Micheal..... hehe yea the only person who can help me. But u see, his help will not work if I ask him for his help. If he doesn't feel like it, he cannot help. And lately...... hehe well I think he's moved on.... So I have no choice. I really must face this alone. But it hurts so much...... all I really want is someone to stand by myself or hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. But I think thats too much to ask. I have to face this myself....... but I want help.... I'm afraid of falling..... I'm afraid of dying again....... cuz if I don't win.... I'll die once more and bring pain to everyone again including my parents...........

(My drawings of Recca and Kaoru that I drew during the time I was moving)

^_^ Thanks for the comments everyone. Wowie 13 comments. Hehe, I really do love reading comments. Then again, I think everyone does. Anyways I know it's again been a while since I've updated. It just things aren't going very well again...... haha, no surprise, ne? I didn't blog cuz well no one really needs to know what happens. When I always tell, I just feel embarassed and stupid later (i reread my entries). Lol also I don't wanna piss of people.

So why am I bloggin now? Have things calmed down? Well... not really, but I have. I found out something very freaky and I did have another breakdown. Haha, I literally couldn't stop shakin and stop my tears frm falling. Another time, I let the darkness within my own heart get to me again. But I'm tired of taking the easy way out and just crying about it. I'm stronger than that... and I have people who believe in me. Lol wowie huh?! ^_^;; Hehe and I thought they didn't care. How selfish of me, ne? I always put myself down cuz I thought I'd save myself the trouble of jus gettin my hopes high and having sumone else put me down in the end. I'm sure many of you have felt that way in some point of your lifes. I've been playing piano a lot more to help me get through my bad times. I CAN PLAY THE SONG PLAYING ON MY XANGA SITE RIGHT NOW! xD

Oh n guess wat?! I gotta talk to Micheal. Hehe, yea... he's doing ok. Turns out he's kinda suffering too though. His mother just came out of brain surgery and he's still working at his night job.... Hehe, wat a guy! But he told me that she's finally able to go home and he's trying to take real good care of her... Lol he really has changed. I'm so happy for him! He used to be so cold and emotionless. Haha, it made me really sad. But now he's opening up more I think. He's trying really hard...... and I wanna try hard too! I know I'm not the only one suffering....

-A Few Things I'd Like To Say To People-
*Thanks for tellin me you believe in me and that u still care. U kno who u r. ^_^ I'm so sorry I told u wat happened. I think part of y u didn't kno was cuz I didn't want u to find out. Haha, I didn't want u to see me like that. So don't feel bad for not knowing. It was my fault too. I know you wouldv'e been there for me. I love you! =)
*Ok I kno I've been acting seriously weird and saying weird ass things. Also bitchin at times. It's just something is happening right now. I'm sorry I can't say wat. It's not that I mean to take it out on u at all! It's just.... haha, I can't tell u or u'll think I'm insane. A few of u kno the story already and please don't feel bad for me cuz u donno wat to say or think. Lol neither do I! I can't talk to much people about 'this' so its jus good being able to tell someone. =) Thanks for listening u guys and don't worry, I'll be strong.

I'VE ACCEPTED HOW THINGS ARE AND HOW THEY WILL BE! (about time huh? lol). I finally accepted that things can't go bac to the way so I'm making the best of it all. If ur having probs u can still talk to me, but the minute I say sumthing fucked up, LEAVE! Haha, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to u later though aite? Just remember one thing. Everyone goes through problems and have darkness n scars in their hearts. If they didn't, well I'd feel sorry for the shallow soul. One of our jobs in life is find a way to deal with the darkness. ^^Where's there's darkness, there is light, am I not right?! Hehe, aite take care people! My prayers are with yah all! (haha, dude my entires r so damn corny now LOL! Laterz!

http://www.freewebs.com/fallenrosepedals/ : CHAPTER 5 IS FINALLY UP! ><

Here I am once again with the words of my mind. It's been a while since I've last blogged. I don't really know what to blog about really.... I've finally moved out of my old house. I cried on the day we did. I stared at the grass and could still find water balloons frm my last birthday party.

My minds just all blank. The past two weeks other than hangin wit Allison and goin to the 2004 Anime Expo with Kariel, Haruko, Alanna, her sis, and Veronica (hehe which i had a total blast at....), I've just been reading and listening to music. I've also been sick. I just really wanna move now. It's to hard to leave so slowly. Our house won't be ready till last July. I'm stayin at my cousin's place rite now.

But to be honest, moving hasn't been to hard on me as I expected. I've been having my mind on something else. I know it's a little stupid but I've been worrying bout Micheal. On the last week in my old house he told me how much I really meant to him cuz for some reason he couldn't stop thinkin me for that whole week, or so he says. He's been very kind to me and I've never been so grateful. Hah I've been worried about wat would happen if I lose him... specially at such a time like this. I mean I know I said I'd just try to pretend like everything is alrite. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks but I'm still doin my best. And so far it's been pretty good. Nottin has gone wrong. But I get the strength I use for all this from Micheal. Not all of it cuz I can't depend on him so much. But like most of it.

Iono sorry. I'm just blabbing away about pointless things really. Oh, thanks everyone who visited my site.  SooNee I'm sorry I can't make u a layout. (o'.'o) I don't wanna save stuff on my cuz's comp. I hope u understand. Haha, and thanks to all of my friends at school for everything. =) Imma miss you all. Lol thanks flaming arrow for saying that. I don't really think I'm that good with words. I just think a lot, hehe...

Aite Imma end here. I feel stupid typin up this entry, haha... take care people. Until my next blog..... laterz!

It's almost time. The begining of the end has finally come. Slowly everyone is graduating, and we'll be the last ones. The countdown of the last few days has started. I know what I want to do now. I'm sorry to all of those I have caused trouble for, specially my parents. I don't hate anyone anymore, and if I did, the only person I would truely hate is myself.

To the girl I once hated most..... I'm sorry for all the hateful things I have said. The only thing I wish for you now is happiness, just as I have wished for everyone else. I hope that one day, when you think you've found the perfect guy and you've got everyone thinking ur amazing, that you notice that putting on a mask for ur own happiness is wrong, and that someone will love the girl under that mask. One things for sure... I will miss the you I once knew.

To the guy who changed himself for a bunch of guys to like him..... You're a good person inside. I know it and so do a lot of other people. What ur doing isn't worth it because the people you gotta change ur personality for aren't ur real friends. And later ur feel empty because you'll lose ur real self and ur real friends. This also goes for another specific girl. I donno why you changed, but just make sure you take care of urself.

And you know wat this goes for any other boy or girl. I know I don't take my own advice most of the time and I hate myself for that. I made myself suffer because I couldn't controll my own thoughts. Then I made others suffer as well so I could be cured and be happy. But I'd rather suffer than make others suffer for my own happiness. I won't ask for help anymore. I've told all my councelors that the voices has left. That I've had no suicidal thoughts. My parents are begining to be happy again thinking I'm ok. My friends... well I know they care for me and think I'll be just fine. And I think I will be too thanks to them. My teachers are glad I'm doing good with my grades again since they think my problems have cleared up. And Micheal... I kno he believes in me and will always be with me. We'll always be friends first. He was the first person to ever really accept me as a real girl.


Heh, yea that is who u think it is.... We make a weird couple.



AND HARUKO THIS IS FOR YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT FRIEND TO ME!